Common Questions and Concerns
We address some common questions and concerns that parents have asked us over the years. Hopefully, our responses will provide answers to questions or concerns that you have about making the decision to commit to Pocket PCIT for the next four weeks.
How Did We Get Here?
Parent's Point: Learning How to Parent a Different Way
“I am using the same parenting as I did with my other children and my other children don’t have any problems.”
It is not unusual for a family to seek help for a younger child with behavior problems when they have already successfully raised other children. This can be puzzling because what worked with one child does not seem to work with the other child. Sometimes the type of parenting that you use with one of your children will not work as well with another child. For example, a parent might say to one of their children, “Will you please put your dirty clothes in the hamper?” While some children might complete this task immediately or after a few moments, another child might simply respond with statements such as “No,” “Why do I have to do this? You never make Johnny do this.” The child might even just completely ignore the parent or even start having a temper tantrum.
When one set of parenting skills works with one child and not with another, we call this an issue of “goodness of fit.” “Goodness of fit” means that parents match their parenting style with what their child is able to do. That is, parents change their parenting behaviors based on their child’s temperament or personality, age, and abilities. For example, we can’t expect an active toddler to sit still for too long at the dinner table after he has eaten. However, we can expect the toddler to eat food at the table. When parents understand their child’s abilities, they are able to help their child to succeed. Research shows that goodness of fit between a child’s personality and his parent’s style of parenting is important for healthy development.
There are many reasons why one of your children might be more difficult to handle. It is important to remember that each child’s personality can be as unique as their physical features. Your child may naturally be more strong-willed than other children! So, it is important for you to adjust your parenting style so that you can help your unique child. Again, needing more parenting skills does not mean that you as a parent are doing anything wrong. It just means that your child may do better with different parenting techniques than you have used before. By learning PCIT skills, you are truly getting the best possible parenting and relationship-building tools for your child and family. We believe that this will make you the best parent you can be!
It is not unusual for a family to seek help for a younger child with behavior problems when they have already successfully raised other children. This can be puzzling because what worked with one child does not seem to work with the other child. Sometimes the type of parenting that you use with one of your children will not work as well with another child. For example, a parent might say to one of their children, “Will you please put your dirty clothes in the hamper?” While some children might complete this task immediately or after a few moments, another child might simply respond with statements such as “No,” “Why do I have to do this? You never make Johnny do this.” The child might even just completely ignore the parent or even start having a temper tantrum.
When one set of parenting skills works with one child and not with another, we call this an issue of “goodness of fit.” “Goodness of fit” means that parents match their parenting style with what their child is able to do. That is, parents change their parenting behaviors based on their child’s temperament or personality, age, and abilities. For example, we can’t expect an active toddler to sit still for too long at the dinner table after he has eaten. However, we can expect the toddler to eat food at the table. When parents understand their child’s abilities, they are able to help their child to succeed. Research shows that goodness of fit between a child’s personality and his parent’s style of parenting is important for healthy development.
There are many reasons why one of your children might be more difficult to handle. It is important to remember that each child’s personality can be as unique as their physical features. Your child may naturally be more strong-willed than other children! So, it is important for you to adjust your parenting style so that you can help your unique child. Again, needing more parenting skills does not mean that you as a parent are doing anything wrong. It just means that your child may do better with different parenting techniques than you have used before. By learning PCIT skills, you are truly getting the best possible parenting and relationship-building tools for your child and family. We believe that this will make you the best parent you can be!
“I think my child is just going through a phase; his/her behavior problems will get better.”
We hear this often from parents who are not sure whether Pocket PCIT can really improve their child’s behavior. First of all, you may wonder if your child is just going through a phase. In fact, sometimes family doctors say that unwanted child behaviors may go away on their own. While many children go through stages like the “Terrible Twos”, sometimes these behaviors are not phases. However, you should ask yourself several questions before deciding if your child’s behavior is just a phase:
Lots of research has shown that children with behavior problems continue to have these problems unless the family receives effective help. This is a major concern because children with behavior problems are more likely to have bigger problems later on in life. For example, these children are at higher risk for school problems, criminal behavior, and substance abuse. What this means is that it is really important for you to work hard on improving your child’s behaviors as early as possible instead of waiting for much larger, more serious problems to show up. The time and energy that you invest in your child now may possibly change the course of his life. While Pocket PCIT Online is a self-directed parenting course, it might be worth watching the following video to help you think through whether your child might need more help than this website can provide. If this is the case, www.pcit.org has a directory of certified therapists.
We hear this often from parents who are not sure whether Pocket PCIT can really improve their child’s behavior. First of all, you may wonder if your child is just going through a phase. In fact, sometimes family doctors say that unwanted child behaviors may go away on their own. While many children go through stages like the “Terrible Twos”, sometimes these behaviors are not phases. However, you should ask yourself several questions before deciding if your child’s behavior is just a phase:
- Have there been any new changes in your child’s life that might affect behavior? Such changes could include school (new teacher, being bullied), family (new baby, divorce, separation, death in the family), time together (increased work travel, increased work hours), and even illnesses.
- How long have you thought your child’s behaviors have been a problem?
- How do your child’s behaviors compare to other children his or her age?
- Are other adults (e.g., teachers, extracurricular activity leaders, adult friends/family) who interact with your child suggesting that your child might have some behavior concerns?
- How much of these behavior problems are interfering with your child’s and/or your life.
Lots of research has shown that children with behavior problems continue to have these problems unless the family receives effective help. This is a major concern because children with behavior problems are more likely to have bigger problems later on in life. For example, these children are at higher risk for school problems, criminal behavior, and substance abuse. What this means is that it is really important for you to work hard on improving your child’s behaviors as early as possible instead of waiting for much larger, more serious problems to show up. The time and energy that you invest in your child now may possibly change the course of his life. While Pocket PCIT Online is a self-directed parenting course, it might be worth watching the following video to help you think through whether your child might need more help than this website can provide. If this is the case, www.pcit.org has a directory of certified therapists.
“I don’t think my child likes me.”
This thought can be very hurtful to a parent. You pour out your heart and energy to try to raise your child right. At the end of the day though, you feel like your child does not appreciate what you do or even like you. These thoughts can easily interfere with your willingness to try out Pocket PCIT Online. We often hear parents say, “Why should I do something extra for my child? They do not even appreciate what I do now.” Whenever you start having these thoughts, it is important for you to consider the answer to some other questions:
• When your child says that he or she does not like you, when does that happen?
• Does your child typically say this after you have said ‘No?’
• Does your child typically say this when angry? Or does your child calmly tell you this at random moments?
We are guessing that each of you has been angry at some point in your life. We bet that you have probably said things that you did not really mean when you were angry. While you might mean what you say in the heat of the moment, when you calm down, you may feel that you overreacted. Most people get angry when they don’t get what they want or when they are feeling like they are being treated unfairly. Now think about when your child gets angry. Is it when your child does not get what he wants (e.g., child asks for candy and parent refuses, child wants to continue to play but parent tells the child that it is time to leave)? Or does he get angry when he feels like he is being treated unfairly (e.g., parent tells child to clean up toys while a sister gets to continue to watch TV)? Children get upset for the same reasons as adults. However, we cannot expect children to control their anger as well as adults.
A child’s ability to control emotions such as anger depends on each child’s developmental level. As a child moves from infancy to childhood, the responsibility of self-control shifts from the parent (e.g., a mother helping to soothe her upset baby), to the child. This takes time as children need to learn how to tell their parents how they feel. They also need to learn successful strategies like deep breathing to be able to calm down. Parents and therapists need to continue to help their children grow this ability because these skills develop at different rates for each child. In fact, learning how to control emotions is a developmental process that continues throughout childhood, adolescence, and even into adulthood.
One possibility for why your child is saying negative things to you is that your child has not yet learned to control their feelings in response to different situations. It is also possible that your child has learned in the past that saying things such as “I hate you” or “You are not my friend anymore” gains your attention or allows him to avoid doing whatever you have told him to do. Because your child has learned that saying something negative to you either gets your attention or allows him to get out of doing something, your child is more likely to say negative things to you in the future because it has worked at least some of the time.
With Pocket PCIT Online, you will be taught strategies for helping your child learn how to handle situations better. Over time, you will begin to notice that your child is far less negative toward you and that your child speaks to you in a nicer way overall. Get started with Pocket PCIT Online.
This thought can be very hurtful to a parent. You pour out your heart and energy to try to raise your child right. At the end of the day though, you feel like your child does not appreciate what you do or even like you. These thoughts can easily interfere with your willingness to try out Pocket PCIT Online. We often hear parents say, “Why should I do something extra for my child? They do not even appreciate what I do now.” Whenever you start having these thoughts, it is important for you to consider the answer to some other questions:
• When your child says that he or she does not like you, when does that happen?
• Does your child typically say this after you have said ‘No?’
• Does your child typically say this when angry? Or does your child calmly tell you this at random moments?
We are guessing that each of you has been angry at some point in your life. We bet that you have probably said things that you did not really mean when you were angry. While you might mean what you say in the heat of the moment, when you calm down, you may feel that you overreacted. Most people get angry when they don’t get what they want or when they are feeling like they are being treated unfairly. Now think about when your child gets angry. Is it when your child does not get what he wants (e.g., child asks for candy and parent refuses, child wants to continue to play but parent tells the child that it is time to leave)? Or does he get angry when he feels like he is being treated unfairly (e.g., parent tells child to clean up toys while a sister gets to continue to watch TV)? Children get upset for the same reasons as adults. However, we cannot expect children to control their anger as well as adults.
A child’s ability to control emotions such as anger depends on each child’s developmental level. As a child moves from infancy to childhood, the responsibility of self-control shifts from the parent (e.g., a mother helping to soothe her upset baby), to the child. This takes time as children need to learn how to tell their parents how they feel. They also need to learn successful strategies like deep breathing to be able to calm down. Parents and therapists need to continue to help their children grow this ability because these skills develop at different rates for each child. In fact, learning how to control emotions is a developmental process that continues throughout childhood, adolescence, and even into adulthood.
One possibility for why your child is saying negative things to you is that your child has not yet learned to control their feelings in response to different situations. It is also possible that your child has learned in the past that saying things such as “I hate you” or “You are not my friend anymore” gains your attention or allows him to avoid doing whatever you have told him to do. Because your child has learned that saying something negative to you either gets your attention or allows him to get out of doing something, your child is more likely to say negative things to you in the future because it has worked at least some of the time.
With Pocket PCIT Online, you will be taught strategies for helping your child learn how to handle situations better. Over time, you will begin to notice that your child is far less negative toward you and that your child speaks to you in a nicer way overall. Get started with Pocket PCIT Online.